who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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