Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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