There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
