Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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