I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
