I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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