You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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