So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Randomize
