I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
