At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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