Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
