The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i think my mom watched the whole time
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
