He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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