I just pynch a tree in the face
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Randomize
