If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
