Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
