I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
