I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
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