I skipped work to stalk him.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
