Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
