Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
