I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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