Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
