I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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