just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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