grandma shit on top of the toilet
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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