He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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