i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
