i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
