I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
