just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
