hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
