Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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