Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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