dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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