you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
