so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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