All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
