Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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