Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
