literally had 100 drinks last night.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
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