Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
