i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
