I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
