i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
