areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
