last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
