the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
