my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
