update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
